With housing prices finally beginning to normalise, everyone is thinking about their next move – including our lycra-clad crusaders of page and screen. So, if you’re looking for an abode that’s more hero than humble, take a look at our top five Super-Homes coming soon to a market near you.
5. Baxter Building (Fantastic Four)
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An aesthetic mash-up of Art Deco and the Large Hadron Collider, this high-rise penthouse property offers clean, sharp lines balanced with the ability to punch holes through the fabric of space; ideal for any astrophysicists with more brains than sense. Atmospheric control and airlocks will make corralling the little ones as easy as flicking a switch, while the launch pad and inter-dimensional gateway puts the whole of reality on your doorstep. Your location on 42nd and Madison puts you in the way of some really great pizza parlours too.
4. The Battle Van (The Punisher)
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A mobile home in great condition: equipped with Chobham armour, a roof-mounted Vulcan cannon and Mk 19 grenade launcher to bolster your offensive driving, plus on board Artificial Intelligence, which not only coordinates voice commands, communications and anti-theft countermeasures, but will also stream Netflix from even the most remote lay-by. The spacious interior will sleep four or store enough fire-power to settle Ukraine’s border dispute, while the bulletproof tyres can conquer any battlefield you care to visit. 4-wheel drive comes as standard.
(And for all the power nerd trolls out there licking your chops waiting to draw first blood, I know The Punisher never slept in the van however you’ve all seen Dirty Laundry right?)
3. Batcave (Batman)
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Accessible by land, sea and air (and fireman’s pole), this subterranean dwelling makes great use of space, boasting a 100-vehicle garage, mechanized workshop and a gymnasium that could actually kill you (as opposed to P90X that just makes you want to die). Overseeing this madness is a supercomputer commanding an array of satellites with global access to surveillance and intelligence agency databases the likes of which your Facebook stalkers couldn’t even dream of. Fashioned from limestone, this property is perfect for spelunkers, hot spring fiends or those with sensitive alabaster skin. (Disclaimer: Rabies and Tetanus boosters are essential).
2. Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters (X-Men)
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At 86 rooms, on 65 acres, with a stable and a cabin, this manor house in Westchester County, New York would make the perfect setting for your own big-hat drama on ITV. More modern amenities include indoor plumbing, basketball and tennis courts and a retrofitted underground shelter equipped with a landing pad for a Lockheed SR-71 and a VR training facility (the seller calls it the “Danger Room”, but I’m sure you’ll come up with something less dramatic). Also, for any aspiring telepaths out there, this property also offers a psychic amplifier headset, which in no way looks like a metal bucket people will snicker at you for wearing.
1. Fortress of Solitude (Superman)
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A palatial crystalline structure, this property is a must-have for Princess Elsa wannabes everywhere (provided you can do -40C in a ball gown). Situated in the Arctic, just going to view this property could be the death of you. On the plus side, it will keep double-glazing salesmen to a minimum. The property itself is just as impossible. A granite front door with a lock the size of a dry well, security is a key (what?) element in this property. The interior boasts a similarly vast array of pleasures and curiosities: an alien zoo, a giant steel diary, a database containing the total accumulation of all the knowledge spanning the 28 known galaxies (Including how dust ends up inside the drawers) and a host of robotic duplicates ready to protect your secret identity or attend school reunions as required.
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By Joe Castle
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